"Okay ka lang?"

I told myself that I will never use that line when talking to people who just lost a loved one. I feel that it's a stupid question. After all, how can anyone be okay hours after losing people they loved? It's insensitive, I thought.

Tonight though, I did exactly that. Not only that, I made another bigger booboo too. We went to my uncle's wake, and B, my cousin, approached us, then she told me, "Cat, wala na si sa-i-tyu. Iniwan na niya tayo." I was so taken aback by what she said (you'll find out why later). So I blurted out the first thing that came to mind, which was,

"Kaya nga tayo nandito eh."

I want to kick myself for the booboo. Was I trying to be funny? Nope. I was trying to think of something to say because I didn't want to cry with her in public. Her eyes were swollen and reddish pa. B was OBVIOUSLY depressed and affected. Sabay I asked again,

"Okay ka lang?"

TOINK!! Ano ba?!?! Obvious bang hindi? Haaay. I guess I was trying so hard to cover up the tension in the atmosphere. Something I should not have done since humor during times like this is usually not appreciated.

The thing is, before we arrived at the wake, my siblings and I were discussing in the car how B's father's death would affect her. B hated her dad for the longest time. And when I say hate, it's not the aargh-I-hate-my-dad-coz-he's-so-makulit kind of thing. B hated him with a vengeance. Back when we still used to talk to each other every week, B would complain about her dad and the miserable life he had given them. So we were expecting B to be sad (of course), but we certainly didn't expect that she'd be so affected by her father's death. Which is why her unexpected line really came as a surprise to me.

Maybe B realized too late that although her dad did give them a miserable life, he was and will always be her dad. Maybe she realized that things had not always been that bad with her dad, that there had been some good times too.

I know that everybody will eventually go through the heartbreaking experience of losing their loved ones. Is there anyone who, when it does happen, can say that the pain is not as great, because they have prepared themselves for it? If yes, I would love to meet and talk with them, to find out how and where they got the strength. Knowing myself, I feel that when it does happen to me, it will take me a very long time to recover. I belong to a close-knit family, and I cannot imagine living my life without any of them in it. I remember during a leadership seminar, the host asked this question -- if one day you woke up and found out all your loved ones are gone, what would you do? Most people said they'd start a new life again. I answered -- I'd probably feel that life is pointless and wish that God take me too. (Bawas leadership points :) )

Sheesh, this topic is too depressing. Actually, this whole evening had been depressing. On our way home, talks turned to my parents, ageing and dying. I look at my parents, in their early 50s, both gifted with youthful looks, and cannot imagine them weak and gray. But I know that time will pass by so fast that before I know it, they will be weak and gray. And I do not want to wait for that to happen before I start showing them how much I love them. I want to do it now, when they can still walk around with me. I want to do it now, while they can still hear my voice. And I suddenly cannot wait to document EVERYTHING. I suddenly have this need to have a digital camera with me everyday, for those moments with them that I would want to preserve. As wysgal once said, "If you don't write about it, or don't take pictures of it, it never happened." Or something like that.