We cremated my uncle yesterday afternoon. After one week of going to the funeral parlor, I thought I would be unaffected already. By the time the Buddhist mass started, I had to go out of the room. I couldn't hold back my tears anymore, and I didn't want anybody to see me crying. Especially not my dad, and not my cousins. So I went to the corner of the hall where I was sure no one would find me and let it all out. A few minutes later, my brother followed suit. He was unaware that I was there. I guess both of us had to have some time alone, away from the prying eyes of other visitors who came to bid my uncle goodbye.
Haaay.... life really has changed so much for all of us. There are now 11 of us in the family -- my parents (2), me and my siblings (3), plus my cousins (6). My aunt (my cousins' mom) is still around, but her kids feel that she's not capable of being a mother to them. So they chose to live with us. My dad wants to adopt them too, because he feels (and we all agree) that my cousins will have a brighter future with us than with their mom.
So how does it feel like living with 6 new "siblings?" Aaaargh.... I feel so old. I feel older now than when there were only 3 of us. Kung baga, our bunso now is only 12 years old. Whoa. The age gap is so big, that I find it hard to talk to her. I don't want to treat the younger ones like children. I remember how much I hated it when I was their age and the adults would treat me like a 6 year old. So I try, as much as possible, to treat them like adults. But how? They're at that stage where they're not kids anymore, but they're not adults yet. I suddenly feel like a parent. The other day, I went shopping with my younger cousins for white mourning clothes. I turned my back for a few minutes to ask the availability of the shirt they wanted, and when I turned around, I couldn't find them anymore. I went into a panic attack for a full hour before Richmond found them in one of the department store's small stalls. While we were looking for them, I was thinking that I will strangle my cousins when I find them, but can they please, please come back safely first?
After what happened to my uncle, my dad has become more paranoid now. As in, really paranoid. When he learned that I was still in Bulacan (after office hours) for our company's product presentation, he called me every half hour to check where I am. Walang paltos. As in every 30 minutes nagri-ring ang aking cellphone. I understand how he feels, because I did it too. Today, I called my dad and my brothers constantly to check where they are. If for some reason, they weren't able to anwer my call, I'd call whoever it is they're with. Yes, my uncles' death has turned on the paranoia switch inside all of us.
The nice thing about all these is that I now weigh less than a hundred pounds. Yay! Yay!!! How, you ask? By forgetting to eat, sleeping late, and being caught up in a family drama. I'm giving it another week of intense drama and other developments, and I'll probably go down to 90 lbs.
Plus, another nice thing that came out of all these is that my paternal cousins (Ivee etc.) and I are now on speaking terms. The closeness is gone now, of course. But at least we're talking to each other. We have avoided each other during the entire time that we were there in the funeral parlor, but on the night before the cremation, we decided to stop fighting and start talking. The cousins lang. The adults are an entirely different issue though. I'm still not talking to them, and vice versa.
Hay, so many realizations in just one week.
1. If you want to lose weight, be a professional mourner. As in, eat late, sleep late, and cry your heart out all the time. If the surviving family has their own drama pa, and you find yourself being pulled into it, additional pounds off yun.
2. There are people who will kill for money, no matter how small the amount. Of course, I only read about things like these in the news so it never bothered me before. But now, it feels odd, knowing that my uncle died for a few hundred thousand pesos ONLY. I honestly thought that the people who murdered people and dumped them somewhere did it for other reasons than just money. Now I know better.
3. And there are people who marry for money, and money alone. Yes... another reality that I knew happened but never really gave much thought to.
4. A funeral is a great place to show the world your hidden talent as an actress. Hay pagdating talaga sa paternal relatives ko, I never run out of sarcastic comments.
I suddenly feel soooooo old.
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